metatxt: (film: batshit about curtains)
[personal profile] metatxt
*puts on an old-timey hat* Dearest friends Internet fairies closest to my (heaving) bosom, I call you to this post to share in our delight of the miracle that is Dolley Madison, REBORN! Beholdeth our liveblog!

*puts on theatre manager hat* The role of Dolley Madison will be played tonight by the exquisite Eve Best. Familiar to discerning audiences as the ever-illuminescent Doctor Eleanor O'Hara on the program "Nurse Jackie." If you are not familiar, perhaps this gif-ification will prove inspiring.







J: HOLY FUCK BALLS! WHAT EVEN IS THIS?!!
K: LOOK AT HER TRYING NOT TO LAUGH!
M: SHE’S TOTALLY LIKE, I AM THE STAR! I AM DOLLEY MADISON! (J: BITCHES!) AND I SAID THIS THING!

J: Thank you, the government, for giving people tiny amounts of money to make terrible things like this.




M: check out the CGI
J: It looks like a game of Civilization




K: that’s whatsherface from the Killing!
M: and Big Love!




J: I like how this is her as a child. Look here’s Eve Best as a child. Looks just like Eve Best.
K: with braids in her hair. but she didn’t have a fancy hat so you could tell

J: I feel like her approach (to her accent) is just to not open her mouth---




K: I think we can all testify to her powers of fascination.

M: can we talk about the part where she acted alluring while some guy voice-over’ed how alluring she was?

J: Violet Crawley!

M: Can I just talk about how much I love that it’s Eve Best playing every fucking age of her?!?!

J: It’s like community theatre.

K: it’s the bonnet that makes it




K: it’s something about her eyes
J: she’s like they’re not paying me enough to open my mouth

J: they were like: here, read this entire book why we film you in front of this green screen

K: the only age marker is what her hair looks like

J: she totally has a crush on her grand-aunt; all she talks about is how hot she was

K: see now she’s marriageable again because she has a hat

K: I love how all the other women think she’s a babe too


K: you can’t say that to a quaker
M: she’s telling her that he masturbates thinking about her



J: he’s telling her cousin that he has wet dreams about her
that was totally the me gusta face
M: that’s where me gusta came from, James Madison




J: she’s totally trolling this movie

alas!

M: he’s totally a pocket gay
J: beards
K: they did the whole swingy hug thing

K: she got hotter

J: he’s got some rule 34 dolley madison fetish

J: she’s the poor man’s violet crawley, the poor man being PBS

K: this is way more hilarious than I ever hoped. I had no idea it was going to be a crack-documentary.




K: I think that everyone from like 1790 to now agrees that Eve Best is really hot is the lesson to take away.

J: WHAT. IS. THAT. FUCKING. HAT.

M: James Madison is such a fag!

M: SHE “WOOED AND CHARMED A LADY” AND GAVE HER PRESENTS!

K: it must be so hard to act like that.
J: not if you’ve done a lot of community theater




M: what is that turtleneck?!
K: it’s like “casual historian”
M: that would be an amazing clothing line for various documentary occasions!




M: now she’s holding hands with a lady!
J: B00BS
M: I think her breasts were her “subtle campaigning”

BORING HISTORY STUFFS
“the president wore diamonds”
“duels happened every day [among] members of congress”
BTW everyone is “historian” or “writer”

M: she would invite Aaron Sorkin to come. they developed the walk-and-talk.



K: cats would love those hats
M: can you imagine Ruth Bader Ginsberg [the cat] like on her head?

M: Dolly Madison is one of the early pioneers of late capitalism. she’s the mother of affective labor.

K: she directed men to poorly lit corners to meet her husband… ?!

JKM: RANDOM PARROT?!?!
J: I’m surprised it’s not on her hat.
K: must be for tomorrow’s hat.

M: I like the expression that actress playing the slave kept making – “Hello? Hero of feminism? I’m heeeere? Equality?”




J: NOW SHE’S PETTING HER PARROT.
M: I can’t believe Netflix said I’d only give this 4 stars. this is clearly like a six-star experience.

“they called the president a ‘little jemmy’”

M: there are some crazy noses in this documentary

M: I still can’t believe this is 2010 and this is the best CGI they could get on their budget

M: she’s an invert!
“there is a monster in her closet”
M: R. Kelley wrote a whole opus about this



HEAVING BOSOM
K: It's so heave-y!!!


credits: [personal profile] chaila, [personal profile] cyborganize, and [personal profile] metatxt

You can watch this epic masterpiece at PBS, Netflix and Hulu
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